Uno
First post. I'm going insane, it's a thought that often crosses my mind, no, not really insane, just temporary loss of sanity, but insane nevertheless. Ignore the whole internal contradiction of the preceding sentence. Here are some thoughts, I don't know if I've ever fully understood what's going on at any time in my life, everything that's happened, I don't know why, and that's to be expected, but go deeper, do you feel mad at yourself for not feeling enough, do you still care about the trivial things, are you any better or worse, does life matter to you, or is it a routine, do you have any real hope that tomorrow will be better, I know that all too often the answers to all of these questions is no, why are we the way we are, will we ever change ? Even when I was up in Wisconsin last week to mourn the death of a true friend, the only real feelings I had besides the ones of loss, and sadness, that I felt at the funeral, were "wow, Sarah Gosse is really attractive", or something to that extent, I was up there to mourn the loss of someone I loved, and yet besides the funeral, all I could think of was, does my hair look alright, or another Thia Difley/ Mike Thomas/ Chris Reed/ Moody brothers joke, or I wish this girl liked me, or some other harmless, yet altogether meaningless thought. Do I only care about myself, I don't think so, but I am in danger of becoming that way, I am doing nothing with my life, I have a constant fear of failure, concerning everything, I have all these dreams, all this potential, and yet I see know way of fulfilling them, or it. God has given me so much more than most, and yet I have done so little with it, I guess I'm just sick of myself. I have to change, I will change, for there is nothing else for me to do. I will get closer to god, to my friends, and I will find a way to make things work, because I have taken everything for granted so far, and yet I have so much to be thankful for, and I don't have a really great line to put here. That's about it. And if you were wondering, I didn't have a point.
posted by charles at 12:25 AM
7 Comments:
Charles, I totally concur with what you say. Inadequacy is horrible. We think we should be better than we are, and we know when we'll get there, we just don't know when we'll start trying. And until we start trying, we'll keep beating ourselves up for not trying sooner. And why don't we start trying sooner? It still boggles my mind.
Charles--you completely said everything I have been feeling for the past few months. I haven't been able to put it into words like you have. Well done. :) I have a feeling that your blog would be five hundred times better than mine if you actually wrote in it more than once. :D I love you Charles!
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brilliant, I feel basically the same way. yet you put it into words so eloquently
Charles, you are the coolest kid around. Don't beat yourself up. You do have amazing talents and wisdom beyond your years -- but recognize that you're only 15 :) You don't have to be out taming the wild beasts and changing the world quite yet. Give yourself time to figure out what's the best thing to do with your life. And in the meantime, just keep learning and experiencing. You have to know what's out there before you can decide which path to take. I love you, man :)
(Oh, and yeah, Sarah totally is hot :))
So much to say, so little time! But in just a few words, Tristan and Summer said it well:
"You put it into words so well."
Keep up the good work, my friend. Here's to the good friendships we all have :)
Sarah being totally hot is news? Or.. are we just stating the obvious? If so, grass is green :)
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